By Leaf staff writer Naomi Dunford https://xxnaomi.com
If you’re considering changing therapists because your experience isn’t working out as well as you’d hoped, it can be a tricky process. Choosing a new therapist isn’t necessarily that hard – but there can be a flurry of emotions and worries that come with “breaking up” with your existing one.
First, there might be guilt or awkwardness at ending the relationship with your current therapist.
Then, there can sometimes be a struggle in trusting that you’ll be able to find the right therapist for you afterwards. These challenges can easily make us shy away from making a decision to change.
Fortunately, this is a road well-traveled, and there is plenty of good advice on how to navigate the process. Here’s some real-world advice on what to expect when you decide to change therapists.
You may be able to get a “head start”.
When working with a therapist, there’s often a lot of unpacking you have to do to describe your mental health issues, your history, and your previous attempts at treatment.
Sometimes that unpacking is emotionally difficult, and it can be daunting to consider starting back from square one.
However, that’s not always necessary. “People always have the option of signing a release of information,” says professional counselor Dominique Apollon in an interview on Bustle.com, “so that their previous therapist and potential new therapist can speak and share notes so that they have a general understanding of your backstory.”
A new therapist can feel like a complete stranger, and it might be hard to open up right from the start.
But if your existing therapist can share your information with the new one, you may be able to save yourself a lot of time and emotional vulnerability sharing your story.
You don’t have to feel guilty.
While you might be concerned that you’ll feel some guilt breaking up with your therapist, it’s important to know that your therapist is unlikely to have hard feelings about it.
“They can take it,” says clinical psychologist Elizabeth Cohen, PhD. “This is a trained professional who hears all the time that people are ready to end therapy.” A good therapist understands that not every client is an ideal fit for them, and vice versa.
However, if you find yourself in a position where your therapist pressures you to not look elsewhere for mental health services, then that can be an indicator that they don’t necessarily have your best interests at heart.
A therapist who cares about you getting the help you need will be supportive of your decision and wish you well moving forward.
In many cases, they will even provide support through the transition and refer you to other therapists more suited to your needs.
Honesty is always a good approach.
At the same time, if things aren’t working out between you and your therapist, there’s always a chance that the situation can be salvaged. Being honest with your therapist about why you’re dissatisfied could end up being a bridge to fixing the issue.
“This could be an amazing opportunity for you to work through an interpersonal strain or conflict as it’s happening,” says Clinical psychologist Catherine F. Eubanks to The New York Times. “Please don’t ghost your therapist.”
Of course, if you’re feeling unsafe with your therapist or believe them to be acting unethically, she supports you quitting in any way you’d like.
When you talk to your therapist, Eubanks says, pay attention to their reaction. “Hopefully they will be open, curious and compassionate, not defensive,” Eubanks says. You may discover you can solve your issues, but even if you can’t, you and your therapist may both be able to get closure on the situation.
Good therapists leave the door open.
Sometimes you’ll want to change therapists simply because the issues that you came in with aren’t the issues that you’re dealing with now, and you need a different therapist for what you’re currently going through. Not every therapist will be suitable for all parts of your journey.
“As therapists, we have done a lot of training on ending therapy,” says clinical specialist Stephanie Moulton Sarkis, “So telling your therapist you aren’t feeling like you need to come in anymore is not something new to them.”
Additionally, after you leave your current therapist you may encounter issues that make you want to return to them, even for just a little bit. “You can always check back in with your therapist if you need them in the future,” Sarkis says. “When I end therapy with a client, I always tell them that they can contact me at any time. Sometimes clients want to come in every few months or so for a “tune-up.”
Get clear on why you want to change therapists.
It’s one thing to know that things aren’t working out between you and your therapist, but it’s another thing to truly understand why. And without that knowledge, you may not be prepared to understand what you really want out of working with your next therapist.
“Assess whether you want to break up with your therapist,” advises clinical psychologist Jon Reeves, Ph.D., “because the relationship does not seem like a good fit, if it feels like progress has stalled, or if you think the therapist is actively doing you harm.”
If it’s the latter, then it’s easy to understand why you’re breaking up with your therapist.
But if you’re not feeling like it’s a good fit, or you’re stalling out, now is the time to think about why, so you know what you’ll need to look for in whoever you decide to work with next. The more specific you can get about your reasons why, the better chance you’ll have of getting what you need moving forward.
Always consider where you have room to grow.
Working with a therapist is a very personal experience, and on one level we’re limited by our own commitment to the therapeutic process.
As you get ready to begin the next step of your journey with a new therapist, it’s always a good idea to recommit to fully engaging in the work.
New York City therapist Irina Firstein recommends you look inside to see where you have room to grow. “Ask yourself, ‘How motivated am I to do the work of therapy?” she suggests. “What exactly about it isn’t working for me and do I know what I’m looking for or would change about my current experience?'”
These questions can certainly apply to the relationship you have with your existing therapist, too – and the answers may help you get better results out of any therapy you engage in.
As you consider changing therapists, take all this advice to heart – and your transition to your new therapist can be a much smoother process.